This week is Holy Week, a time when we revisit the story of Christ's last supper, betrayal, sentencing, and death. It is also a week when we are invited to reflect on the losses in our own lives, our community, our nation, our world. There is much to mourn this Holy Week. Personally, I am moving through the pregnancy loss that I shared about in my last letter to you. While I mourn the loss of all that could have been with that child, it is everything I've learned through the experience that is keeping me grounded. I have learned to embody loving kindness in a way that feels like returning to something ancient while evolving into someone new. It sounds so simple in that sentence. The experience of it has not been simple. I learned the extent to which I have sacrificed my body and my well-being at the altar of fear. Underneath my fear of losing this pregnancy was my fear of losing you. Yes, YOU. I am afraid of being rejected by you, afraid of hurting you, afraid of you leaving because of something I did. It is a fear that is rooted in past trauma. Every other church I’ve served has asked me to be smaller, quieter, or less intense. Coming into my role at Broadway, I knew that dealing with my past church traumas would be my biggest challenge.
I was doing pretty well to move through fear and embody love each day. Then this pandemic started, and our group scattered. Without access to the group body for reassurance, I started to embody very old, very deep fear patterns that fed each other. My heart began to protect itself, to prepare for the worst case scenario
I could perform excitement and joy, but I could only embody fear.
Today, on this Good Friday, I keep thinking about Mary, the mother of Jesus. I wonder about her experience of her son’s final days, his death, his resurrection. I mourn the absence of her testimony in our sacred text. As she stood at foot of the cross, was she afraid? How did she bear it? How did she survive it? I wish I could read her words and draw inspiration from her wisdom.
Today, on this Good Friday, I mourn the loss of the ancient wisdom of women.
We shall see what is present for Resurrection this Easter Sunday.