Thank you. As Carly and I recover from the loss of our pregnancy, we could not ask for more patient, supportive community.
I have been thinking a lot about each of you, discerning what to share about my experience. I want you to know that Carly and I are okay. I am okay. I have learned a lot about myself and the norms about miscarriage in our culture. It may come as no surprise to you that my experience has been counter-cultural.
When we started trying to conceive, I already knew the risks of pregnancy loss. About 31% of pregnancies confirmed after implantation end in miscarriage (about one in three). I’ve always struggled with the word “miscarriage”. The word implies that a pregnancy loss is some kind of mistake our body makes, or some failure of our womb.
What I experienced last week was not a mistake or failure of my body - my body did exactly what was needed. There wasn’t anything “wrong”. The outcome wasn’t what we wanted, but my body miraculously knew what my mind could not perceive, and followed its own natural process. The result was the loss of this pregnancy.
It is a particular loss - and I’m okay. I’ve learned about myself through this experience. I learned that I have been living in complete fear. I didn’t realize how much until I was pregnant and terrified of losing it. I kept thinking, “I can’t handle any more loss after this past year.” I thought it would kill me. I didn’t know how it would kill me, but I knew I’d cease to exist.
Then I lived through the experience I was most afraid of having. In the dark of night through pain and vomit and blood I finally embodied something other than fear. I was able to embody and feel a depth of kindness for myself that had been lost to me over years of struggle. Fear had closed my heart. This loss cracked it wide open and I am forever changed.